Career Move: A Drag Queen?

I'm thinking about becoming a drag queen.

No, seriously...stay with me here. I like the "I am still a woman (kinda)" bit, so I could be a Drag Queen instead of King (my tits are really too big to try to hide anyway, and I'm not getting breast reduction surgery because I like my bodacious ta-tas) and I could cut my hair (it's shoulder-length, I'm not tied to it) and its dark brown. And then I could just wear a really great wig. If I worked it, I could almost, in my own mind, look like Julie Andrews.

Then, maybe...just maybe...I would land some better fucking roles than what I've been getting - because I've been scraping the bottom of the fucking barrel. What a fiasco. I could at least get a regular Drag gig and at the age of fifty be some tired Drag with my tits hanging down to my knees, but by that point I might be able to wrap them around my neck and pull the loose skin that will be hanging there, like a Perdue chicken, up tight - and save on face lifts. If anyone tries to give me shit, I can just say "You know what? If you want - I mean, if you really want, I can lift my dress and show you the schlong of the century, but I don't think you really want to go there - I know I don't!" and hopefully, that will keep them at bay and they will never know the horrible, horrible secret: that I have a cooter.

Who am I kidding. Maybe I can get a job as an extra on "Deal or No Deal?" or if not an extra - I'll be on the other show (is that lame fucking thing still running?) the one where they strut like 40 people up on the stage and you have to tell who or what they are by looking at them.

As if THAT wasn't just asking for some close-call-racist/elitist/sexist/homophobic/(fill in the horrific blank) classification and generalization possibilities you ever could conceive. Who was the moron who came up with that show?

Which one of these people lives in a trailer park? God forbid the contestant point to the guy wearing the CCR t-shirt chewing the tobbacco. (the answer? Pat Sajak, since Wheel of Fortune really isn't doing to well)

Which one of these people is an "exotic dancer" (and here there is a murmer and chuckle in the crowd as the host grins with that "what? I never had to pay for sex...this week" kind of look) Everyone's eyes travel to the chick in skintight jeans, lots of makeup, and the "come hither and boink me" stare. (Answer? The guy with the beer gut who saw one-too-many episodes of the Full Monty).

Which one of these people couldn't get a paying job as a serious actress, so she got stuck doing this? Everyone will immediately point to me, and I'll tell them to fuck off and storm off the set, and not get paid.

But if I do it in DRAG, at least it will be looking FABULOUS. Actually, it won't be in DRAG, but if I can make them think I'm in drag (I know a good makeup artist who can make it look like I have a bit of an adam's apple) and I am really tall...If I just act more feminine, like the transvestite at my job that everyone knows about but she thinks nobody knows (uh, I've never seen her without a turtleneck and she's an awfully manly looking chick) I think I could pull it off. She's more feminine than any girl I know...so I have to learn to be feminine. I have to learn grace. I have to learn how to walk like an angel...

Oh, fuck it.