Bitchy Actress

Fringe Can Be A Good Thing: MTWorks' Look After You

2009-08-21T11:00:00.005-04:00

Since my shoot in L.A. was canceled for another month while a couple of producers try to pull their heads out of their collective asses, I found myself still in NYC while The NY Fringe Festival was going on. On the recommendation of a friend, and due to its overwhelming popularity as the one of the few "real plays" amongst the campy horseshit that Fringe has become, I decided to go see Look After You produced by the up-and-coming new Steppenwolf, MTWorks. The play, by Louise Flory and directed by David Stallings, caused me to be very pleasantly surprised. It actually exceeded my expectations, since most Fringe shows are mildly humorous or shocking at best (with the exception of this company's Anais Nin Goes To Hell in Fringe last year - that was fantastic).

Okay, so it's a play about a young woman, Hannah (Flory) who suffers a brain aneurysm and is trying to deal with her memory loss, her knowledge that she could drop dead any minute despite having survived the surgery and is doing well at home post op. It also takes a look at the relationships around her - with her boyfriend Jake (Jason Altman) who loves her but can't seem to decide if he wants to be with a woman who could die in an instant; her older sister (masterfully and wonderfully played by Adi Kurtchik) who is a business world diva whose personal life is a wreck - but she adores her baby sister and is determined to make sure that she is getting the best care.

Another wonderful role is Altman's buddy Paul (naturally and believably played by Lowell Byers) who is the angel on Altman's shoulder, encouraging him to get the balls to ask Hannah to marry him again (since Altman hid the ring when she didn't remember after it was taken off during surgery). One of the most poignant parts of the show for me was the speech Byers makes telling Altman to "...make a choice, because the world will make one for you." Another scene between him and Flory is fluid, and I often wonder why actors can't simply talk to each other like was seen in this show. A very simple thing in theory, but most plays manage to screw it up. Well done, here.

Overall, I thought the acting was good. Stallings, an award-winning playwright who made the leap again to directing, did a great job staging the show and getting the actors to communicate. I had issues with Altman through various parts of the show - I didn't feel that there was enough at stake with him - and that he wasn't following through with character choices that made sense. However, there were moments of diamonds in the rough that made me really feel for his character's plight. Kurchik was delightful as she told her story about her love life to her little sister - and small moments when she sees Flory's scar for the first time made me cry.

Ultimately, Flory had the most difficult role of all, as both actress, playwright, and the focus of the show. Although there were times that the actress was wrapped up in playing to herself, those moments were few and far between. She was able to maintain a light-heartedness that kept the play from being "a movie of the week" (something that I've noticed a couple of reviews saying, which just goes to show that the moment you bring up illness, people's own personal fears come in between the art and the ability to review it properly - this is anything but a Lifetime special) and she truly dove into the part with all of herself.

This is one of a few good shows that are playing in Fringe this year, actually. Viral, Eli & Cheryl Jump, and Mr. Sensitivity are some fun, emotional, and surprisingly enjoyable productions. I'm sure there are a few more, but I just don't have time to go watch a show that gets out at 11pm...even people like myself need sleep.

Cleopatra Hits the Stage - And Trips.

2009-06-24T16:11:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite online theatre review sites, The Fab Marquee, just reviewed Cleopatra: A Life Unparalleled put on by the Planet Connections Festival going on right now.

Let me start off by saying that the Festival is a wonderful thing, as are all off-off festivals, but this one is special because it focuses on giving back to the community.

However, I literally laughed my ass off at the brilliance of David Stallings' review of this play...a play which quite literally was so bad that I had to bite the back of my hand several times when I went to see it to keep from screaming.

I would review it, but I can't touch the beauty of Mr. Stallings' take on it...so if you would like a review from one of NYC's freshest minds (David Stallings is a playwright who is winning awards left and right, and with good reason) I suggest stopping over to The Fab Marquee and getting a gander for yourself.

MTWorks: The Oath Opens April 23rd!

2009-04-17T12:20:00.003-04:00

MTWorks will be presenting The Oath, by Jacqueline Goldfinger (I just think that is the coolest name) opening next week, April 23rd and running through May 10th.

For a glimpse at the cast, set, and info on tickets - please visit their website and also this BroadwayWorld.com Photo Flash announcement HERE

Directed by Cristina Alicea, this little blurb sounds like fun:
In this Southern Gothic tale, a wandering preacher is embroiled in the passions and politics of a swampy Florida outpost ruled with a macabre sense of justice by two rival sisters. The Oath is a darkly comic look at balancing ambition and ideals in a time of crisis.

I have a friend in the show and another in on the production end - go check out what looks like will be another fantastic show by the folks who brought Anais Nin Goes to Hell to the Fringe last year.

Abingdon Theatre: Final Days to See Love Drunk

2009-04-15T15:30:00.002-04:00

The Abingdon Theatre's play Love Drunk, starring Austin Pendleton is in it's final weekend.

WORLD PREMIERE: An older man picks up a much younger woman in a cafe and brings her to his retreat, an Appalachian palace. Her littered past collides with his need and what follows is an inspired dance of sexual tension.

Sounds juicy, huh?

You can catch this fascinating show at The Abingdon's Dorothy Strelsin Theatre, in the Abingdon Complex - 312 W. 36th Street 1st Floor (between 8th and 9th Avenues)

Tickets are $20 Call SmartTix 212.868.4444 or go to www.smarttix.com

A Note About Reviews On Here

2009-02-27T16:48:00.003-05:00

Look, I don't claim to be "a reviewer". I'm an actress who is lucky enough to actually be able to live as an actor, affording a studio apartment on the Upper East Side in the city she grew up in, who has family in California and has a place to crash when she goes on a shoot, if the producers are broke (often the case). I see a lot of theatre and film when I have the time in between work, and I have opinions. I am very picky about what I enjoy but only because I believe that actors need to really work up there - not just show up and wait for their cue.

I have several pals in shows right now. Two friends in particular, who are on stage, one in a showcase, one in a bdwy gig in NYC; both of them got reviews. One got both good and bad; one got mostly bad - but they were both damn good. Both of them said to me: "When you have your little blog and call yourself Bitchy Actress, and you write reviews about things, do you have to be so mean? Don't be such a bitch!" etc etc - of course this was after they recently received bad reviews themselves and were sensitive. Beforehand they thought what I wrote was absolutely hilarious. They still do, but one just emailed a little while ago all bent out of shape from a review received from another idiot like myself who happened to also put her down for her physical appearance. If she really reads the review, she should take it for what it is: nothing more than an audience member with access to a computer and a few people who allowed him space on their site to say something. My other friend got panned by several people - but hell, let's face it; very few reviewers out there are actual writers themselves; and most of them are people who wanted to be actors, SUCKED, and so they started critiquing theatre instead. I mean, hell - does their opinion really matter? Does mine?

No.

So yes, I get a kick out of being a "Bitchy Actress" - fun schtick. But I'll tell you what: I'll never, ever trash an actor/actress for what they look like. I'll talk about their acting...because that's something that I do know...something that I care about. Too many actors get work because they are pretty or because they are blowing someone behind the right desk - NOT because of their talent. I write it as I see it...but not to hurt people. Maybe to open their eyes that they need to take an extra acting class or perhaps deal with their fellow actor...and maybe I say it in a way to be humorous to everyone. Especially if I see other actors getting nothing from that actor. Nothing is more infuriating than that for an actor...or to recognize it happening in front of you as an audience member who happens to make their living as an actor.

Take the young Claudio I talked about, below. He's a handsome young man - he can say the words easily and well; but it's the character development behind the good look that makes me cringe. So I'll talk about that. Or last year's train wrecks for the same company with a few of the actors who really were more of a detriment to the shows. Why? Because they were not dealing with their fellow actors they way they should (and because I heard that one of them was such a diva backstage, with so many actors complaining that he was telling them how to act; that is such nonsense! someone like that NEEDS to be slapped - verbally, if necessary).

But when it comes down to it, nothing that any blogger, reviewer, or...well, take your pick, really means a thing.

Christ, they said about Katherine Hepburn once: "Ms. Hepburn's emotional range goes from A to B." WTF???
About Liza Minelli: in the 70's a lovely reviewer compared her to an ugly dog.
About Marlo Thomas: also in the 70's one "reviewer" spent so much time talking about her plastic surgery (some New Yorker reviewer who probably had more than Marlo) that she left about three sentences for the actual review.

Some of us up here write as tongue-in-cheek; some write with that but also with the intention of opening the eyes of people to how ridiculous the industry is - or if a particular production sucks to high heaven.

And then, there are some people that make my little gimmicky name of Bitchy Actress seem like a compliment; they are truly mean, mean people, with no reason behind what they do except to hurt...and perhaps tear down because their favorite actor or actress did not get good reviews or there is a vendetta...or they are jealous. This industry is made up primarily of those kind of people; have no illusions of "the kindness of strangers" in this business.

So - for future knowledge to my friends who know who I am who read this, and to those who think of me as a cunt who has a penchant for witty banter, (or an illiterate fool, take your pick but keep the cunt part in there since it's fun) - I say this: I give credit where I honestly think credit is due, and I will pick someone's acting apart if I think they suck and especially if they suck and also try to hurt other actors...I have an ear to the ground for gossip and I hate evil people; especially those who can't act but who somehow get work despite the fact that they are backstabbers - they will get my poisoned pen faster than you can say "fuck me". But I will never tear someone up for physical features, or if their acting is so-so. I may suggest they take lessons...but never tear to shreds.

I save the shredder for those well-deserving, who are either making lots of money for giving us (and their fellow actors) so little; or who are really bad people who also suck.

Hey, Brando was a PRICK - but one of the best actors ever. And you can't argue that.

Shakespeare Must Be Pleased: Much Ado About Nothing at Theatre Row

2009-02-17T00:05:00.002-05:00

Let me start off by saying that I was seeing this play as a favor for a friend. She is not in the show, but asked that I go see it to support people she knows and works with. She knows that I have seen so many productions of this fabulous comedy by Shakespeare that I told myself I would wait another decade before going again; that, or perhaps unless it was done by midgets in drag in Transylvania - anything to make it unique.

That said - I had a MARVELOUS time seeing Oberon Theatre Ensemble's production of Much Ado in the Beckett theatre at the Theatre Row complex. It was fresh, entertaining, funny, and heart-warming. From the very beginning of the show until the end, although I knew what was going to to happen from the number of times I've seen - and even performed - the show myself, I was still with most of the actors every step of the way.

Mark Karafin has artfully taken a production, which in my opinion is done to DEATH, and breathed life into it again. Stand-out performances include Benedick (Mac Brydon), Don Pedro (Walter Brandes), Verges (Bill Green), Dogberry (Brad Fryman), Hero (Cotton Wright) and Beatrice (Elizabeth Zins).

Brydon's work was simply amazing. There is really no other way to put it. He was natural in everything he did - made an already lovably frustrating character into such an adorably "in love" man - who also is as serious as a heart attack when he decides to take Beatrice up on challenging Claudio and putting both him and Don Pedro in their place. During the scene when he is being set up for the bait to fall for Beatrice, his almost Chevy-Chase/John Ritter-like physicality was reminiscent of the simple beauty of Dudley Moore hiding behind the flowers in the chapel in "10" - hilarious, believable, entertaining and FUN. I wondered how much was found in improv and moved into staging...because it seemed so natural, yet not... Because so many productions forget that this is a play to have FUN with - and hats off to director Karafin for giving the actors the green light to run with the fun.

Brandes was true in his work and a joy to watch. His ending, the small aspect of sadness in the joy of everyone else working out while he is still alone was poignant and lovely, in contrast to the light-hearted simplicity he gave his character - who was also easy to hate briefly as a co-conspirator to Hero's downfall. Green reminded me of a young Peter Sellers as Verges - and even as the Friar - and his ability to go back and forth was admirable. The glasses on Verges were...genius.

Complimenting him was Fryman's Dogberry, a role that can either be a joy to watch or painful. It was SUCH a joy to go along on the ride with this inept character and Fryman, much to our delight, made the most out of reminding us that he was an ass - and we loved every moment. I think this year is a great year for Fryman - he seems to have grown in the last year as an actor, as visible in this play and the other Oberon play in rep that he is also cast in (American Rapture).

Wright and Zins were lovely in their own right. I especially enjoyed Wright's gentle sadness accepting her fate and dealing with her disgrace. Zins was entertaining many times throughout the play, working the Shakespearean witty banter well; however, for some reason I had trouble buying her love for Benedick...it never really worked for me as much as I would have liked - but I was willing to go along for the ride because I believed his for her.

One major problem I had was the choice for Claudio. From the moment you are in the lobby looking at this young man's headshot you have to wonder if he is trying to market himself as the next possible vampire for the next installment of Twilight - and then when he was on stage I just felt that although he obviously had a mastery of the dialogue, there was nothing behind it. The choices that were made were not filled. The character is one that has to have a sense of humility to him, because after everything he puts Hero through, the audience still has to like him afterwards...and I didn't feel that he was played with any true humility...just he seemed more a frat boy than a young soldier in love. I didn't believe him before any of the chapel scene happened, and when she took him back at the end of the play, I wanted to smack her and ask why him? Indeed Brown is an attractive young actor, but I did not believe his character at all.

The same can be said for Borachio - I feel that that character could have been played more simply and truthfully...allowing the audience to really see what his character is all about. He is more complex than just a drunkard womanizer - and that is all we got to see.

That said - and it could be because I simply always thought that Claudio was a bastard anyway - I was not affected by my love for this production. I'm delighted that I saw it for all the wonderful performances in the show. If you see a Shakespeare production this winter, I suggest you make it this one.

American Rapture: An Evening of William Saroyan and Alex Dinelaris

2009-02-04T14:57:00.006-05:00

I suggest you run out to see this - it opens February 14th. There are some great actors in Oberon's Rep series (Which also includes Much Ado About Nothing on alternate days) and Alex Dinelaris is a playwright/director to keep your eye on.

AMERICAN RAPTURE
An Evening of Short Plays
Featuring Hello Out There by William Saroyan
and World-Premiere Plays by Alex Dinelaris

Directed by Alex Dinelaris

CAST

Gabe Bettio*
Jane Cortney*
Max Darwin*
Brad Fryman*
Vince Gatton*
William Laney*
Dianna Martin
Donovan Patton*
Laura Siner*
Christine Verleny
Stewart Walker*

*Appearing courtesy of Actors Equity Association

An evening of short plays, some humorous, some tragic, explore the unique mixture of loneliness and hope, which make up the American Experience. Playwright/director Alex Dinelaris, who was nominated for a Lucille Lortel (Best Musical) and two Drama Desk Awards (Book & Lyrics) for his work on the off-Broadway hit, ZANNA DON’T!, weaves his way through modern relationships, religious hypocrisy, love, loss and the endless cycle of violence that threatens to swallow our society whole. The evening culminates with William Saroyan’s Hello Out There, the powerful tale of two outcasts who find love at the most unlikely of times, in the most unlikely of places.

Performance Dates: February 14 - March 1
Tickets: $20.00

TALKBACK after performance Monday, Feb 23

Buy Tickets Online from Ticket Central.

The Beckett Theatre @ Theatre Row
410 West 42nd Street, between 9th & 10th Avenues

You can also buy tickets Theatre Row daily 12-8pm.

For more info, go to www.OberonTheatre.org.

The Oath: MTWorks Spring Fabulousness; In Other News, I Am Done With the Casting Couch

2009-01-30T19:15:00.004-05:00

MTWorks will be presenting The Oath in April. I suggest you cyber-march your way to their website and buy your tickets NOW...this is going to be an amazing show. I was sent the script by a friend who is in the play to read...and I cried just reading it. Me! Cried!

I'm mean c'mon...I'm a bitch. I usually only cry when I don't oust some other stupid actress out of a role that I want.

A birdie has told me that the show is reminiscent of Tennessee Williams - or, as much as any modern-day playwright can muster (may Ol' Tennessee not turn over on MY account!) - and that the cast is incredible.

******************************************************************************

In other news: I think my sex life, as we know it, is done. Well, at least in regards to sleeping with co-stars...and directors...and producers...and - well, anyway...

My recent foray into schtupping a cast member on the set of something I just came back from Toronto on turned into a disaster. Mind you - I only sleep with them AFTER I get the part. I mean...let's face it...I really don't have to sleep with anyone to get a role. You don't know me - but, I have been making my bread and butter by acting for nearly 18 years. I don't need to do that.

However, getting involved with co-stars (I was just kidding about the producers...er..anyway) is just something that sometimes happens. Well - not anymore.

Picture, if you will: an extremely HOT man who is actually a good actor. We have love scenes together. I actually got a decent honeywagon this time AND good food. Life is good.

And we hit it off one night after a shoot and go for drinks. One thing turns into another...
And I wake up the next morning and his WIFE is knocking on the door - the poor thing came up to visit him! We pretended we weren't in the room and she went off to the lobby...and I snuck out and went to my room across the hall.

Needless to say things were bizarre after that...since she was there for a week, which was about all we had left of the shoot that we were in.

What sucks here is that I didn't even know the bastard was married. Seriously...I didn't. I have certain standards...for God's sake, yes, they are low - but c'mon...what a fucking nightmare.

I think maybe I'll just stick to P.A.s.

Hooray for Obama! And in Other News, Mark Peikert is an Ass

2008-11-05T12:56:00.004-05:00

First off, let me start by saying that I'm thrilled that Obama clinched the presidency. Let's hope we can get some of that change he's talking about as soon as possible. His speech was amazing, and I'm thrilled that we don't have to deal with another four years of mindless bullshit flung at us like monkeys in a zoo. I respect the Republicans who are more sensible and have finally thrown their hands up in protest at their own President - but none of those assholes ran, and none would have given us enough change that we needed. I think Obama's speech - which referred to everyone, including gays and straights, was so beautiful. I just hope he is as good as the packaging looks.

In other news, I recently saw a play, Harm's Way, by Shem Bitterman, produced by Circus Theatricals, due to a recommendation from a friend. It was an amazing piece that dealt with the problems that war has on both those over there and the people back here at home...and had some of the best acting I've seen in off-bdwy theatre in a while. The script could have used some more development; I daresay a third act could have been implemented. Hell, if I can sit through a three hour play of Sheppard, I'll do it as long as the acting is great. And the same applies with this play. However, that said, I think the show was fine.

Backstage, however, disagrees. This has been an ongoing trend for reviewers of Backstage...they never really look at the acting (because none of them really seem to know anything about it) and talk roses and sunshine about plays that are really painful to have to sit through...and trash productions that have some actual value and merit. I've dealt with people over at Backstage for over 20 years...I used to sit in meetings with family and name actors (back when you could take the ad editor out for drinks and discuss business) and it used to be a paper with some integrity and...how shall I put it? Brains? Actual understanding of the arts? Now it is simply a rag where to find auditions, get headshots, and where a few people I know (and almost regret knowing them) post fake auditions to get some sex from women who seem so eager to lift their skirt for a 5 minute part in a short film that will never see the light of day (that's a whole other rant). Oh, yeah, and mixed in there somewhere are these words that are thrown together by somewhat culturally retarded individuals like the author of the review listed above, who obviously was so busy trying to find holes in play that he missed all the good acting that was going on stage. The one actor that he did mention was the one actor that I felt, although she did a great job, had the most problems up there. One wonders if the author of the review simply had it out for the playwright (or the director, Steve Zuckerman)...or the company itself.

Who knows. In this day and age, when The Actor's Studio has kissed the proverbial ass of the dollar bill and let standards go out the window, allowing actors to become members who graduated their "program" although they probably don't even know who Tennessee Williams is; or when reviewers who have no idea what the hell they are talking about but happen to have the right connections and can continue writing trash at a paper that has become as much of an institution of the antithesis of what it's supposed to be about - and in doing so, turn potential audience members away from catching some great theatre.

Great. Perhaps they can go watch a reality tv show or something.

Is 30 the New 20? I Sure Hope So.

2008-10-15T13:07:00.002-04:00

So, I've accepted that fact that I'm not going to be a superstar by the age of 25. Partially because I'm already nearly 38, but also because I've gotten to know the industry like the back of my hand already, and find it startling that so much of it is about not just who you know (or who you blow) but also that you actually seem to get ahead if you're younger and less talented...and yes - skinny.

Look. I'm not just bitching because I just lost out on a part to someone else who, if she stands sideways, you might not see her; I wish her the best with keeping her boyish figure. Oh, and also the fact that I'm wondering if she's even old enough to have her period...

I am actually in a good age group, where there are lots of parts for women my age. The problem is that I might actually look too young (YAY!) so I have to compete for younger parts and then lose them to women that are more suitable for that age (NOT YAY!). I mean, it's not THAT bad - I've actually had another good year where between acting work and voice-over work I have been able to live comfortably (as long as I dont buy anything for myself or go on a vacation)...so I can say that I'm a working actor.

But when I go to an audition and see the sea of ladies that are younger...I try to chant the mantra that "30 is the new 20" in my head...and it just doesn't fly so well. The only thing I have on these other ladies is experience and acting ability (in most cases). Then there are the really talented young ladies that piss me off...because I am not above being jealous. But I'd rather lose the part to someone who can act, than someone who is just eye-candy.

Is that true? The 30-20 thing? Who came up with that? Some crusty old bat who was trying to deal with the same issues that I am? Because I'm approaching 40 and I don't know if they have the same mantra but in a size 30-40.

I also get discouraged because people don't take the work seriously. They just go from talking about what they had for dinner with a fellow auditioner, and then walk in. And sometimes they get the part. I am auditioning for people who were a baby when I was 18. It's a little weird. I applaud people for getting the gumption to try to make films or produce bdwy and off-bdwy shows when they are in their 20's - but I know part of the money is coming from their parent's trust fund - and I question why I'm even there when I would be willing to put money down that they couldn't tell you the difference between Elia Kazan, Tennessee Williams, or Jimmy Stewart.

But I might be just really assuming too much - except that when I try to have conversations with so many of the people I'm competing against and they have never read any Williams or seen a Hitchcock film, I have to ask myself: where is the industry going? Why am I here? And, most importantly, WTF?

David Duchovny: This Makes Me Sad

2008-10-15T11:30:00.003-04:00

Celebitchy has some pics of Duchovny looking like death warmed over - and it's really sad because I am SO thrilled with his show Californication - it's really incredibly well-written and he is so amazing - his acting is fantastic.

I loved him on X-Files because I loved the theme of the show, but never really thought he was all that amazing of an actor - but I think his craft has grown SO much.

The whole sex-addict-rehab bit is saddening, like something out of Auto Focus - which, if you haven't seen is amazing - I know a couple of sex addicts...it's devastating to families and the people themselves.

I just hope that Duchovny gains a little weight, eats some vitamins, and goes home and sleeps with his wife...if she'll still let him.

Oh, Marcia, You've Been Naughty!

2008-10-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

Oh, for Chrissake. Another tell-all.

But this one really blows the mind, 'cause it's juicy as hell. Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia on The Brady Bunch, has decided to spill the beans on what went on during the show and her tumultuous life afterwards. I think it was appropriate after Barry Williams who played Gregg (who any kid in my generation wanted to make out with, too) wrote his tell all - Growing Up Brady, and talked about boinking her. I actually have on tape (audio, yeah, I'm really high-tech) recorded off the radio when he was on the Opie and Anthony show (before it got yanked off the air) his interview with them. It was such a let-down...he sounded like such a schmuck. He was kinda funny, but he seemed to be doing the tell-all without really putting his own life screwups out there as much as just dishing out the dirt on everyone else.

McCormick, on the other hand, I have a little more respect for. She's putting her ass on the line and really telling all...like how she became addicted to drugs and did the whole Tatum O'Neil thing...oh, wait...it's also almost the Dana Plato (RIP) thing...and...well, holy shit, guess what? If you're a child star it's a 7 out of 10 chance that you're going to be seriously screwed up.

But, hey - you know what? I hope her book sells, if only so she can make some money off of what to the rest of us was a fun show to watch as kids, but to her was probably a doorway to both lots of fun...and the end of her childhood very early on. With the exception of the adults who has already established some career before the got on the Good Ship Brady, the kids all faded into oblivion afterwards. It must really suck to be a star for a long period of time, and then...not even be able to get a commercial. Especially for a kid.

They all got to wear really cool clothes, though.

One child actor, who, thank God has not gone down the path of hell, is Haley Joel Osment. Okay, he got busted for a DUI and marijuana posession as an adult, but who hasn't? *smirk*

Actually, I always hoped that he would step away from the industry and be a regular kid for a while. It seems like his parents were good to him and he was brought up well; and when you have a family that is already in the entertainment industry and who are relatively normal when it comes to having a loving environment at home, you might actually turn out all right...even when you get nominated for an oscar at age 11.

Morgan Freeman: Get Well, Get Well, GET WELL!!!

2008-08-04T15:35:00.002-04:00

The news is hot off the press, but I'm not waiting to hear from anyplace else: you need to get yourself better and do it quickly, young man! You are one of the only actors left on the planet that has a truthfulness to his acting and can bring an audience into the palm of his hand. Your work speaks for itself and is such a rarity among the celebrity bullshit artists that we are surrounded by at all times.

We love you very, very much.

And this bitch loves you an awful lot.

So, Mr. Morgan Freeman: get well before I have to come down there and talk your ear off...and nobody wants that. Especially the nurses who I'll have to karate chop to get past just to get into your room...and then there's trying to squeeze into a nurse's uniform (I probably have one around here somewhere, but that's from some other kind of thing altogether)!

Love,
Bitchy Actress

Well, At Least I'm Getting Quoted

2008-07-30T15:36:00.004-04:00

...In the UK, of all places. I'm going global.

I'm actually rather delighted. I was going to post on his blog to thank him for quoting me, even if in not the most pleasant light (but then again, I think most readers know that my blog is partially written in a humorous, if snarky and nasty, spirit), and to take what I say with a grain of salt, unless I make myself clear that what I'm talking about is very important to me.

But back to my glint of stardom. Stuart Walton, in an article entitled, All Authors Pens Are Poisoned, talks about the backbiting in the writing world; how authors, when reviewing others' works are almost as nasty as actors reviewing other actors: "...Since acting is by all accounts (and from my own distant memory) a famously bitchy profession, we can only shudder at the carnage that would be produced were its members to be given press passes to each other's new productions." (BitchyActress.com was linked to the "famously bitchy profession" part, and I was thrilled).

Let's face it...I have a sitemeter on here. I am as much of an attention whore as anyone else...and I'm also nosey. So, I was interested to see why I was getting all these hits from this link.

It's actually a very interesting article, for he also discusses the downside of being a writer; the way writing about others often can force one to almost become a socially retarded individual who can't quite deal with people on a normal level.

The same can be said, I think, though, for many people of various professions, not just writers. Take therapists. I have dated therapists and even people who have majored in Psychology in college or Grad School. For some reason, this seems to make these folks think they have a key into the labyrinth of your mind, and therefore, "understand you more than you understand yourself"...or some such nonsense. Or they think they are above any kind of emotional or mental issue themselves because they passed some classes...or because they treat patients. I'm here to tell you that some of the biggest whack-jobs are therapists and the folks who studied enough in school but who don't have the humility to say "You know what? I think maybe I might have a few issues of my own." I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to throttle people who think that because they have a degree and read a few chapters about Pavlovian response, that suddenly they have the right to tell you what to do or how to deal with your feelings - but that they have no reason in the world to question theirs.

Sigh. Went on a rant...oh well. It's one of those days. That's what I get for schtupping a film editor who is really a tv writer who started out as a Psychology major. Go figure.

A Thousand Variations On a Lie Told Once

2008-07-29T11:29:00.011-04:00

Oberon Theatre Ensemble's latest show, A Thousand Variations On a Lie Told Once, brings up a subject that I'm very fond of and well-versed in: family dysfunction. A dear friend likes to say, "the play puts the Fun back in dysfunction!" (wish I could steal that line) and I have to admit, she's right.

Three adult daughters come home on Christmas Eve to meet their mother's new fiancé, their father having died when they were very young. It is mentioned in the opening scene between the mother Abby (Linda S. Nelson) and her fiancé, Patrick (William Laney) that the girls hardly ever come to visit; in fact, this is the first time they have all been together in six years. Once the doorbell rings, the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Sure, this isn't August Osage County; we're not talking Long Day's Journey; and there are areas of the script that could be edited or changed - I think a rewrite or two could be seen on the horizon.

However...the script is a damn good script, with moments of hilarity in the middle of angst-filled scenes, so even as one is wiping away a tear, they find themselves laughing. Playwright Stacy Lane has done a fine job portraying how family secrets can often turn around and become much larger than they originally were.

I found myself engrossed in all of the actors' performances.

The eldest daughter, Whitney, (Laura Siner) has possibly the most interesting secret of anyone; so much a secret, in fact, that the character doesn't even know it until the end of the play. Having been an eldest daughter, I appreciated her characterization of protecting her younger siblings and taking charge. I thought she was very "in the moment" with her fellow actors and was a joy to watch. Her playfulness with her middle sister and her scenes with her mother towards the end were beautiful. She adds a strength to the triad of daughters that remains throughout the show. Her stoicism works well in contrast to the "drama queen" quality of her middle sibling (a quote from the play). Whether this was the actress, a direction from Fryman, or a mixture of both, remains to be seen - but who cares, it worked.

Rena, (Dianna Martin) is entertaining as the, as she calls it, "infamous middle child." Both she and her older sister try to verbally tear down their mother's new beau, and both Martin's character and the actress are interesting to watch as she veers from throwing nasty verbal assaults to being a dejected and frustrated child.

Anna, the youngest daughter (Jane Cortney) has possibly the most difficult role in the play; her sisters constantly cut her off throughout the show and almost leave her with no voice of her own - except when she really commands the stage. Cortney does a lovely job as the daughter who has the least animosity towards her mother, and is full of life and energy throughout the play as a character trying relentlessly to keep a struggling family from killing each other. Even during times when she has very little dialogue, she is listening to her fellow actors and an important presence on stage.

All of the actors are, actually. Mother Abby is heartbreaking as the mother who just gets by telling "white lies" her whole life, never realizing that they are snowballing into an abyss between her and her daughters. Some of the scenes between her and family, albeit broken up by a well-written moment of hilarity, were heart-breaking, and during the performance I was attending, there were quite a few moist eyes in the audience.

Patrick is endearing as the poor, unfortunate soul to walk into this house of family horrors...and although he tries to maintain the peace, when he is asked to do something that goes against his moral fiber in order to make Abby happy...the internal struggle is apparent. His journey from "the really nice guy everyone would like" to the man who looks like he just survived a nuclear holocaust is very well done.

All of the actors are dealing with each other and working really well with each other - and really talking and listening. One can't ask for more. There are some moments that I feel the actors are aware of themselves on stage, and the tendency to go a little over the top occurs now and then, among all of them; however, when you are in a theatre where the audience is practically sitting in your lap and you have people in the front row with their legs halfway in the middle of the stage (those audience members should be shot; it should be part of a given when they enter the theatre), and given some of the humor of the play, its difficult to not want to go in that direction at times. Thankfully, that happens rarely.

Set in the Abingdon Theatre Complex's Dorothy Strelsin Theatre, Director Brad Fryman does a really good job working with a three-quarter thrust stage. It's my understanding that he designed the set, which was perfect (home-spun living room Christmas scene). I felt that sometimes actors seemed to move because they were told to...not because there was a real reason for them to do so, and that is my only real issue with the directing...I have a problem with directors that move an actor for the sake of moving them instead of having it look natural. Other than that, I think he brought together a good ensemble.

I've read two reviews thus far about this play online and I think they were uninformed, written by people who either were in a bad mood when they came to see the show, the piece wasn't their cup of tea, or they simply just missed the whole point altogether (I was going to say they were just plain retarded, but then someone might call me a Bitchy Actress. Oh dear!). Although they really only attacked the play, not the cast or director, I am wondering: do these reviewers come from Beaver Cleaver homes? Does a dysfunctional family mean that you have to pop a bunch of pills, shoot some heroin, and drink a quart of vodka and call it a night? Because one "reviewer" (I use quotes because the person obviously sniffed glue before they walked into the theatre...so I really can't think of it as a review - but the same could be said about me, but I'm not highlighted on a big Marquee as a "reviewer" so....) mentioned something about "...the actors operating at too elevated a state of alert to convince us these people could have survived 20 years without strangling each other." -- WHAT???

I guess Matthew Murray missed the part about the fact that the family has not gotten together in six years (mentioned several times) or that they never see each other because they fight a lot (mentioned even more)...and I guess Mr. Murray has just never seen a family where people really fight like that and still deal with each other at holidays. Perhaps he lives under a rock? I'd say so. Maybe he should come over to my house during Thanksgiving.

Judith Jarosz, another so-called reviewer who apparently spent most of the show in the bathroom, said, "They make sarcastic reference to Abby and Patrick's age difference, which at a mere eight years seems laughably inconsequential for a play set in this century." -- Again, I have to ask: WHAT? They mention it at the beginning at the play. Then it's done. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem completely implausible to me that the two daughters would make mention of this issue as something to be snarky about, considering that the idea of their mother re-marrying after all these years is probably very hard to swallow..especially if they are choosing to be nasty. I think that Ms. Jarosz, whose bio says that she is "an actor, producer, director, choreographer, writer, editor, and theater geek" needs to figure out which one it is, because I think all that running around has left little time for her to sit down and think about what she's actually writing about. Or listen to the play she's seeing, for that matter. She also calls the Dorothy Strelsin Theatre at the Abingdon a "...very awkward tight performing space."...which really, I think, sums up where this woman is coming from -- I mean, if she's going to start attacking one of the great theatre complexes in the off/off-off bdwy community...she should focus on full-on Broadway and leave the smaller stuff to the people who are trying to create something. I mean...that's ridiculous. The Abingdon is a fabulous theatre.

Anyway, I was impressed by the show. There are some problems...but they are few and far between, and nothing that a few re-writes and some more work on stage can't fix. I have been seeing a lot of crappy theatre lately, on Broadway, off-broadway, and off-off; this was well worth the time. The show is enjoyable and both I and my two friends walked out of there happy to have seen it.

Freedom of Speech: A Crock of Shit.

2008-03-11T10:35:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure, but I think there is a document used by our government that allows for freedom of speech. I don't know where I got that idea, but I did.

Due to the fact that a pal apparently got annoyed about an article I wrote (more so because the people I wrote about got annoyed) she has asked that I delete certain parts, or make it different. When she first asked me, she said it more as a joke, so I thought. As a fellow blogger/writer/artist one would think that she agrees with freedom of speech...I've seen her writing as well.

Then, I got an email very late last night asking me to "I wasn't kidding...can you change it, please? I'm getting asked by members of the cast..."

Uh, no. I'd rather take the whole fucking thing down. I wrote the thing with the original intent on trying to do something helpful and still have fun and be able to speak my mind...and I guess that even on the internet you can't do that.

So, it's down. Mainly because a friendship is not worth a little commentary I chose to write about. But you never know when I might put it back up. Intact.

Update:
Heh. I just did.

Theatre Row A-Go-Go

2008-03-04T13:19:00.016-05:00

My friend that I talk about a lot is currently working on (the back end) of a production of Macbeth that is being produced by the Oberon Theatre Ensemble at Theatre Row. (No, NOT the one with Captain fucking Picard). They are also doing, in rep, Michael Weller's Ghost on Fire. Both shows end this coming weekend, 3/8 & 3/9, respectively.

The reason I'm writing this is 1) Because I love my friend, B, and she is desperately trying to plug these shows for this theatre company and their PR sucks 2) Because I want to start critiquing theatre on here when I'm not running around on gigs myself (I just came back from a really bad filming experience, you can read about it on Ornery Woman) and 3) Because I have...juicy gossip (as usual) that she told me that she would never write. Of course, she'll kill me...but in a way I think she's delighted to have me do it (although she'll never admit to it).

To begin with, Oberon Theatre Ensemble is a great "little showcase company that could": it's been around for 11 years, has produced over 50 shows, has a regular annual reading series that promotes new writers; and that alone shows you that it has thrown it's hat in the ring with the rest of NYC's theatre companies and has a right to stay there with the best. Fortunately AND unfortunately, they are growing bigger than they can handle, and so one of the things that has faltered (as happens often with smaller companies) is that the PR has gone out the window. They spend a lot of money to put themselves in The Lion Theatre at the FABulous Theatre Row (42nd and 9th Avenue, for all your people who just crawled out from under a rock), but leave little else from their budget for things like...oh, I dunno...costumes? Or...most importantly...PR???? Apparently, this is the first year they went with a different PR firm. And, they sucked.

Oberon did finally get a listing in the New York Times, an nice juicy article about the company itself, which is great. It's in question as to whether or not that would have happened with or without Singer. But no review. Nothing. Let's hope Oberon does better next year in it's PR selection. I bitch about this because showcase theatre has little money as it is...they don't need charlatans taking what little they have and offering so little in return.

This brings me to the shows.

My main comment: Not bad.
Could be a helluva lot better, but...considering all the SHITTY theatre out there, and the fact that there are many, many gems in the rough in both of these productions, they are worth the $20 for each. Not the glowing review I'm sure B would want me to say, but...I'm trying to be honest. That said - I enjoyed myself. Go see these plays if you can.

Macbeth: The director, Phil Atlakson, had an interesting vision when he decided to take it upon himself to adapt old Bill Shakespeare's play about the naughty couple who decide to kill the King and make the witches prophecies come to life. To be honest, although some would say that perhaps Bill is rolling over in his grave right now, I think it was a decent alternative version - trust me, I've seen some BAD versions of this play. All the words are Shakespeare's; Atlakson simply cut cut cut a lot out and edited the "in between" parts. He also threw in suggested lesbian orgies (in dance) with the witches and Lady Macbeth (expertly and deftly choreographed by Adia Tamar Whitaker). Not a bad idea, actually, if you're going to go all out for something different... Another highlight is a great original soundtrack by Mickey Zetts, a company member. To be honest, the dance and music make the show. Without it, you would have little left, since Atlakson cut so much of the script away. Atlakson is a relatively successful screen writer and unfortunately forgot that he's directing a PLAY, not a FILM, and wrote his adaptation as such. It's a detriment to the actors, who never really get much dialogue to work with before they are ushered offstage (actually, ushered offstage doesn't quite do it justice; there is a choreography even in the set changes in between scenes, with no fade-to-blacks until the end of each act. So, in that sense, booted off and replaced gracefully would be a better way to phrase it).

One of my favorite parts of the show, what brought some levity and humor, was the character Banquo (played by Mac Brydon) who was one of the show's saving graces, acting-wise. Unfortunately, Atlakson cut his part down to nearly nothing. Brydon does a lot with what little role he has left, however.

Other characters who should be mentioned for good work, are Lady Macduff (Laura Singer - again, another role whittled down to nearly nothing, but a decent performance), Macduff (William Laney - who had to work off another actor in a later scene that gave him absolutely NOTHING, so our hats are off to him), Captain (a character combined w/ the Porter and expertly played by Cliff Jewell; I give him a thumbs up on his sexy legs), and Ross (Gabriel Bettio - although I would have liked to see more emotional investment in his scenes - the only one that really stood out was when he delivers the news to Macduff that his family is dead - but that was very well done).

The witches dance very well and were a lot of fun to watch (Paula Wilson & Allison Goldberg). They went along with techical screw-ups from the sound booth (haha - my friend was doing them) and didn't blink. My question was where was the third witch? It seems that the director tried, and failed, in a convention to use Lady Macbeth as the unsaid "third witch". I found out later through B, that the third witch left the production during the rehearsal process, and they were stuck without a witch. Atlakson made the decision (a shitty one) to go with two witches instead. When I saw the show (and I've been twice, because I'm trying to support B) both times I heard the audience during the breaks talk about "the missing witch." I'm sorry, but no matter how hard you want to "change ancient convention" and think that your latest version of a play that has survived the test of time for hundreds of years is the more logical plot-line, you have English majors, actors, directors, playwrights and critics who will spend more time trying to understand why you made the choices you did then enjoying those choices.

Sadly, the stars, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth have a lot of talent, but were cut short of what they could have created due to the short-sightedness of the director. Macbeth (John Gardner) has several enjoyable moments, and brought some humor to what could have been another Long Days Journey Into Night version of this play. However, when he is told of Lady M's death, and proceeds to go into the "Tomorrow and Tomorrow" soliloquy, it's obvious that the choices made by the director to somehow strip this man of all his humanity at the only really human moment he has in the play, was a great disservice to the actor.

The same goes for Lady Macbeth (M.Eden walker) whose "Out, damned spot!" scene was ruined by a director whose desire to showcase the witches and Lady M in lingerie and promote a "third witch" convention totally lost the tragedy in which we see this woman totally losing her mind. I have reports that during rehearsal the actress moved B. to tears with her original choices, but was told by the director "I've seen it done that way, and I want to go someplace else."

Yes, he did. Far away. Again, at the detriment to the actress. That said, Walker gives a decent performance in a role that is very difficult to do.

My award for "Why the Fuck Is This Person Getting Any Work?" goes to Malcolm (James Holloway) who seems to have only read Atlakson's version of this play. We have an actor, who is acting to himself (I'm sorry, but I can cry, too, if I try hard enough just thinking about oreo cookies) and giving other actors nothing, who was directed to do that even MORE...it's a recipe for disaster. The young man is apparently, according to his bio that I tried to read with a straight face, a soap actor. It figures...except that there are good soap actors. I think the problem is that we have a young man who has a tap on his emotions, but no good training...and who has been encouraged to act on his lines. Both times I saw this show, he grabbed his crotch on a certain line (well, this could be a directorial problem; Lady Macbeth continued to bang on a metal wall every time she says her "...dash his brains out..." line, so it could be Atlakson's heavy-handed directing) and who seems more worried with whether or not he is in the right light than living in the scene. It wouldn't seem so bad except that he sticks out among a cast of actors that range from very good to relatively decent.

Okay...now that it seems that I panned the show, I'd like to say that I really haven't, because: it's a fun production that flies by and still tells the story. Although I disagree with a lot of Atlakson's editing, I have to admit that the man told the story - and covered all the angles. He even made one little adjustment that I really appreciated: he brought Fleance (Claire Anderson) back into the story after the Banquo ambush scene. In the original script, Bill Shakespeare has Fleance "Fly, fly!"...and we never see nor hear of the kid again. In Atlakson's script, there is a scene between him (her) and the Captain, albeit short as hell, and it's a nice little tie-in. The show really is worth checking out for the tale that is told; for the fresh and inventive way in which it is told (grumble, grumble); and I have to admit, Atlakson set design is fabulous. Minimalistic, combining his desire to off-set the earthy old ways of Duncan's world and the technologically "hip" 2008 world of the Witches; the only set is a metal platform (which becomes daunting at times, but still works) that is manuvered to be horizontal, vertical, etc; and two reed and netting curtains. It works.

Yes, I would have seen it whether or not B. was the stage manager, or whether or not she slipped me $100 to write this piece (just kidding).

On that note, my friend's old company went the way of the dinosaurs (her father being a dinosaur himself, who was the A.D. of the company) and I'm happy for her that she found solace in being a part of this other one. For now she seems happy to just do behind-the-scenes work. In doing so, so signed up to be a stage manager. I told her she was out of her mind...but she did it anyway; two of our mutual friends told her to go ahead and do it and she listened to them. I bet that she wishes she had listened to me, but anyway...

Update: I just got a comment about there not being a review for GOF on here, and I realized I hadn't updated and re-loaded it! I apologize...sorry, B - was that you that made that comment?

Ghost on Fire:
Michael Weller's tale of people trying to find themselves and coming to terms with their un-met expectations of themselves and each other is a moving and interesting piece of work. I enjoyed it, despite the fact that some of the actors seemed to have no reason for moving around the stage other than the director (Eric Parness), told them to, or because they want to deliver a line to the audience...even though they are supposed to be talking to the other actor. I read the Backstage review of the show...and although I think it was a little too negative, it hit that point dead on. Perhaps they were using the fourth wall for some other reason...but I think it's simply another example of a director moving actors like chess pieces around a room. Parness does have enough sense to stand back and let the actors explore the emotional vulnerablility of the characters, it seems, and so for that I have to applaud him. I shouldn't have to, but given that many directors don't (the above show an example), it's a bonus.

A problem with this show is that many of the actors are not really dealing with each other on stage - so no matter how deep they may try to tap that reservoir, if they don't share it with their fellow actors, it simply plays as actors acting to themselves. Perhaps that is a convention due to the theme of the play that "people aren't really dealing with each other" - okay, we get it. However, when you actually do that in your acting on top of the theme, you're getting into trouble.

That said, the tale is told pretty well. One of the fabulous parts of the show was the way the set designer (Sarah B. Brown) employed film projectors when the actors do their monologues (which are a really interesting motif throughout the play, since the main characters are filmmakers whose pride and joy was filming everyday people talking about themselves). It gave an added dimension to the show whose characters were sometimes very one-dimensional.

Ironically, one of my favorite characters, Ralph (Angus Hepburn), is not given a monologue...and I think if I would change anything in this script, it would be to get into HIS mind. I've read this script, and Hepburn's humanity that he added to a character that is so depressed that he saturates his life with alcohol and sex was wonderful. He allowed himself to be those things and still feel for Neil Toomie's (Brad Fryman) horrible health situation. He brought comedy to moments where half the audience was sobbing, and it was lovely to have someone who really is from the other side of The Pond play a Brit, making his line about committing suicide in England redundant absolutely hilarious.

Other notable performances were Nathan Berger (Brian D. Coats), whose execution of an old man allowed to pretend (as he is being filmed) that he's in heaven and seeing his deceased children was memorable. I was crying myself, and it takes a lot to get me to tears at this point. Coats can also be seen as Duncan and the Doctor in Macbeth, above, although his roles in that play have been whittled down to not allow the actor to do that much with them, although he is fine in what he does.

The character Gina (Brianne Berkson) was also a lot of fun. The actress plays three roles, two of them speaking; she does absolutely nothing for the Laurel role, but her portrayal of a highly intelligent pin-up eye candy girl with a sharp tongue was quite entertaining. Unfortunately, I think most people were spending more time trying to catch a glimpse of her breasts (the actress was topless, but facing upstage) than appreciating her work; so the choice should have been made to either have her keep the top on or cast an actress who would go topless. But then again, I'm against nudity in plays unless it's absolutely necessary, and I felt that it wasn't in this situation; but that is written in the script, so not necessarily a mark against the director. I'm unsure as to why they cast Berkson in all three roles; casting someone to play Laurel would have been a much better choice. The wig was ridiculous and unfortunately the characters were played a bit too similar...so a less aware audience goer (like the matinee paper crowd from the local Retirement Center) would probably think they were the same person and be confused.

Another nicely played bit was by Fryman, toward the end, as he's trying to find answers from his friend Dan (Don Harvey) who had abandoned him. Unfortunately his friend and the actor both abandon him; neither can give the character Toomie nor the actor enough of the support that he needs on stage.

My award for "WTF" goes to both Julia Rittman (Linda Larkin) and Dan Rittman (Harvey), for not giving as much to the roles as they really could have. Or, worse, if that's all they've got to give, then I should be giving them the same award I gave Malcolm, above. In recent memory, I have not seen professional working actors who worked so hard but gave so little - to the roles, to their fellow actors, to themselves. I wish I had a time machine during their scenes together, that would have allowed me to go outside to the lounge for a cigarette or drink and come back, for I doubt I would have missed anything. Again, this is also a problem with the script; those scenes are the only somewhat tedious moments of the play, really. I understand that Larkin is the voice of a popular Walt Disney movie...and that's wonderful. I don't know what she was doing on stage.

Overall, the show is good. I laughed, I cried, I was engaged.
But many actors, who are probably used to doing film, are spending too much time waiting for their close-up and forgeting that there is no editing going on here; there is a breathing actor right there, waiting to talk to them. I think that, combined with some unwise directorial choices and some over-acting where there could have been more simplicity were a problem.

That's my take on both plays; if the show was around longer, I'd see them again. I'll definitely go see anything that Oberon puts up, period.

Collaboration in Arts Is a Fucking Joke.

2008-02-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

I used to think that it really was possible to enjoy the beauty of the collaborative process in the creative arts - especially the performing arts. It's not so much an issue in other art processes; many of those come to life with the stroke of a pen or brush, or the shutter click of a camera - and they are more expressive and work better when solitary more often than not.

But in the performing arts, whereupon you have actors, directors, dancers, musicians; and you work with playwrights, designers, choreographers to make a dream come to life - one creates, if you will, an EVENT on stage.

Heh. Bullshit.

I am in the throes of surviving something akin to a nuclear holocaust after my most recent forray into the world of "collaborative arts". What a crock of steaming shit.

Working on a film that we already had our doubts about: a remake of a classic set in the world of the contemporary, whose director had the vision of Mr. Magoo; a cast of mostly half-baked actors with the talent of an acorn, surrounded by a indestructible wall of masturbatory and (un-deserving) self-righteousness fanning the flames of their egos that would make even the most indignant divas seem like meek toddlers from a Feed the Children commercial; an assistant director who was so focused on the term "assistant" that he chose to rise above it and thereby be an insulting prick to each and every one of us; a producer who couldn't find her own ass with two hands and a road map, and spent the entire budget on setting the location shoot overseas because of the "gorgeous landscape", and leaving the cast with basically a fig leaf to cover their privates and enough money to simply buy booze to try to forget this nightmare.

I have to ask - really, I have to - what is the fucking point? Why call it a collaboration when it is nothing more than an opportunity for people to spin in their own little orbits and maybe bump into each other in an attempt to get to the desired end?

Art is not supposed to suck this badly, I'm sorry. People are not supposed to be so ruthless and stupid at the same time. Film is supposed to take life to a new level, a heightened reality and a vision, and mold it into cinema and move an audience - be it to tears, anger, laughter - anything.

I just find, as I sit here in my honeywagon (can I really call it that? it doesn't even have a toilet), chewing on a celery stick from a really tired Craft Service station, that perhaps I need to rethink my expectations. I have been around this industry since I was a child, and I'm still shocked at how much it sucks. How the people with no clue are the ones in charge. How a young man, a fellow actor (if I can call someone who acts to himself and acts on his lines an actor), who has the audacity to tell me how to say my lines so that he will look better (and continuously upstages me until the director says something) can not know that he is a fucking tool?

I am convinced that everyone is sleeping with everyone on this set. That's why it's all going to hell in a hand-basket; nobody is calling anyone else out because they're schtupping each other.

The irony is that I'm the only one not getting laid, yet I'm actually the only one really getting fucked.

A Little Story About David Keith

2007-06-20T12:32:00.000-04:00

Actually, regardless of the pedigree of myself and my friend (as mentioned in an introductory post below), sometimes you don't have to be children of celebrities to encounter celebrities (or those who think they are). Sometimes, like a pile of shit you step on accidently on a sidewalk, they are just right in front of you, waiting to dazzle you with their brilliance; date rape you; or treat you like crap.

This is a little tale of how some B/C-List actors think they are A-List - and act like complete assholes when given the opportunity...the opportunity given usually in the form of an unwitting fan or person who would like to express gratitude about a performance - and the asshole actor/actress in question is even more expressive of their tendency to be a prick due to the fact that they are drunk or high. In vino veritas, they say.

David Keith is one such asswipe.

Oh, how the wanna-be-mighty have fallen.

Keith started out 150 years ago doing stints on shows like Happy Days until he landed a part in The Great Santini in 1979. That got him a little exposure, which then opened the door for the role that we all know him for - Richard Gere's sidekick in An Officer and a Gentleman in 1982. He was actually very good in that role; that was probably the last time he ever did any really good acting work that was believable. I think we would all do well to remember him in the hot pic immediately above, or simply butt-naked, hanging in the shower at the end of that movie, because the motherfucker has not aged well at all, as seen by the first pic at the top of this post (too much Jack 'n coke, there, Davie!). He kept the disheveled 7 o'clock shadow from 1984's Firestarter and never went back.

The last work this guy has done have been some bomb made-for-tv movies on the Scifi Channel (my friends and I love that station but most of the movies suck) and a list of stints where he "played Himself." Gee...I wonder if that was hard for him to do.

David, we need you to play an asshole...can you handle this role? Oh RIGHT! You're playing yourself. No problem.

So...now we get to the "story" part of our story.

I was visiting my best friend in Memphis, TN - she was going to college in a nearby state and would drive up to Memphis to party on occasion (hell, we're both from NYC and were like WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?). One weekend I went with her, crashing at her dorm for the weekend. We went to a club in the trendy part of Memphis at the time (we're talking about 1990/91 here) and it was a lot of fun. The evening had just kicked off, so were weren't drunk or wasted or particularly intoxicated on anything else...ahem...just more happy to get out and hang out with each other and her friends. She is a really friendly girl (she's in her 30's, like me, now, and I still think of her as a girl) with an even better eye for acting than I have. This is probably due to her family...like mine...but I digress...

So, we're in this club, and we're just being happy, and she suddenly points and says to me, "Hey - I think that's David Keith!" (She knows actors names and faces, even the not-so-famous) and I'm saying, "Who?" and I turn and look: there is this semi-attractive man who seems to think he's either Johnny Cash or Jim Morrison (right before he bit it); he's wearing all black with a black leather jacket (even though it was hot as hell in there) and cowboy boots. His belt is studded. His outfit is great, but looks awkward on him; like he's trying to play a role...but there are no cameras rolling. He's holding court among a group of friends, most of whom look as retarded as he does, and they are all pretty wasted.

I can tell she wants to go over and say something to him, but is biding her time. She and I have met many celebs in our time, throughout our childhood, and it's not a big deal unless it's someone that you're particularly fond of. After she points him out, I recognize him, slightly; his puffy face and 8 o'clock shadow not withstanding. I'm concerned because it looks like he's stuffed a cucumber down his pants. Like, it's ridiculous. I think of This Is Spinal Tap and I smirk.

"I'd like to go over and tell him what a great job he did in An Officer and A Gentleman," she says. This is something that she does whenever she sees an actor/actress whose work she has enjoyed. She doesn't run over like a happy puppy, slobbering all over them and shouting about how hot they are; she simply goes over and tells them how much she has enjoyed their work as an actor. What actor wouldn't want to hear that? The only time I ever saw her lose face was when she met Steve Martin, but that's another tale for another day.

"So go over." I tell her. So, she does.

My mistake; I found out later from the bartender that I was flirting with, that David Keith had been doing lines in the bathroom all night and he and his friends had been drinking WAY too much and being assholes to just about everybody in the club.

What I saw and then what happened both disgusted me and made me laugh; his reaction and her reaction, respectively.

She walked over and said, I found out when she came back (because I couldn't hear her over the music even though we were all watching), something very much like I thought she would say: "Mr. Keith, hi, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy your work. You're a great actor - your work in OaAG was fantastic."

He turned to her, with all of his court watching, and sneered at her: "Whatever. Get the fuck away from me."
He tried to swagger, but the gut pushed out a little too far over his belt and you could tell he was actually just swaying from too much booze and coke.

My friend looked a little hurt and shocked, but barely missed a beat.

"No wonder nobody's seen you in anything worth shit since that movie." She turned on her heel and his eyes opened wide on that remark - and then she turned back as she kept walking backwards, so I heard the next part of her tirade. "What was it like playing second fiddle to a 10-year-old girl in Firestarter? Nice to know even at that age she had more talent than you."

He yelled some curses at us, but then turned to his friends and ignored us. I was laughing my ass off and patted my friend's back, and gave her a high five.

She was right, of course. After we had a few drinks of our own we wanted to go kick his ass, but he'd left...off to do another bad movie or tv stint that nobody will ever see, no doubt.

Career Move: A Drag Queen?

2007-06-19T15:43:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about becoming a drag queen.

No, seriously...stay with me here. I like the "I am still a woman (kinda)" bit, so I could be a Drag Queen instead of King (my tits are really too big to try to hide anyway, and I'm not getting breast reduction surgery because I like my bodacious ta-tas) and I could cut my hair (it's shoulder-length, I'm not tied to it) and its dark brown. And then I could just wear a really great wig. If I worked it, I could almost, in my own mind, look like Julie Andrews.

Then, maybe...just maybe...I would land some better fucking roles than what I've been getting - because I've been scraping the bottom of the fucking barrel. What a fiasco. I could at least get a regular Drag gig and at the age of fifty be some tired Drag with my tits hanging down to my knees, but by that point I might be able to wrap them around my neck and pull the loose skin that will be hanging there, like a Perdue chicken, up tight - and save on face lifts. If anyone tries to give me shit, I can just say "You know what? If you want - I mean, if you really want, I can lift my dress and show you the schlong of the century, but I don't think you really want to go there - I know I don't!" and hopefully, that will keep them at bay and they will never know the horrible, horrible secret: that I have a cooter.

Who am I kidding. Maybe I can get a job as an extra on "Deal or No Deal?" or if not an extra - I'll be on the other show (is that lame fucking thing still running?) the one where they strut like 40 people up on the stage and you have to tell who or what they are by looking at them.

As if THAT wasn't just asking for some close-call-racist/elitist/sexist/homophobic/(fill in the horrific blank) classification and generalization possibilities you ever could conceive. Who was the moron who came up with that show?

Which one of these people lives in a trailer park? God forbid the contestant point to the guy wearing the CCR t-shirt chewing the tobbacco. (the answer? Pat Sajak, since Wheel of Fortune really isn't doing to well)

Which one of these people is an "exotic dancer" (and here there is a murmer and chuckle in the crowd as the host grins with that "what? I never had to pay for sex...this week" kind of look) Everyone's eyes travel to the chick in skintight jeans, lots of makeup, and the "come hither and boink me" stare. (Answer? The guy with the beer gut who saw one-too-many episodes of the Full Monty).

Which one of these people couldn't get a paying job as a serious actress, so she got stuck doing this? Everyone will immediately point to me, and I'll tell them to fuck off and storm off the set, and not get paid.

But if I do it in DRAG, at least it will be looking FABULOUS. Actually, it won't be in DRAG, but if I can make them think I'm in drag (I know a good makeup artist who can make it look like I have a bit of an adam's apple) and I am really tall...If I just act more feminine, like the transvestite at my job that everyone knows about but she thinks nobody knows (uh, I've never seen her without a turtleneck and she's an awfully manly looking chick) I think I could pull it off. She's more feminine than any girl I know...so I have to learn to be feminine. I have to learn grace. I have to learn how to walk like an angel...

Oh, fuck it.

A Little Story About Craig Wasson.

2007-04-30T11:48:00.000-04:00

A fellow blogger and one of my best friends since childhood is also, like me, offspring of parents who are in the entertainment industry and once mingled with A-Listers, B-Listers, and shmisters; we both went to dinner parties with said parents with attendees that still make up at least half of the front rows of the Oscars and Tonys.

Believe if you want, call bullshit if you want. I could give a rat's ass. I post under a pseudonym not just to be cute.

Needless to say, growing up was...entertaining, pardon the pun. My friend will no doubt post some of her stories. However, her profile is more public, though, so some of the ones that are...shall we say...juicier and subject to ramification? I will have to do for her. Again, believe if you want. We don't care. We just love the telling of it - albeit maybe 20 years later. Some of them happened to me, some to her, and I will differentiate.

This is a brief, nasty little story about Craig Wasson, who emerged in the 80's as a "boy next door" kind of leading man, but was very sexy at the same time...in a wholesome way. I mean, look at the picture. He looks like he's about to save a puppy, yet you want to fuck him. You know?

This charming quality was brought out first in the fabulous film Ghost Story, which is still one of my favorites to this day. Three years later, in Brian DePalma's Body Double, Wasson emerged as a new up-and-coming leading man. He did some more films, including A Nightmare on Elmstreet 3 with Patricia Arquette. A trip down his imdb trail shows that the majority of what he has done since has been television stints, including a brief part on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The entertainment industry is a bitch, so that's not a rag on his acting talent; he is actually a very good actor.

Okay, here's where our nasty tale begins:

One film not mentioned above, and that will not be named, was shot in the 80's starring Wasson and included one of my parents as a supporting actor. It was actually a fun movie, even though it got panned...but that's a whole other story. Wasson apparently had a good rapport with my parent, and both he and my family resided in the same lovely city (or, at least, he had a home he was staying at here), so when he was in town he contacted my family. This was back when I was about 15 or 16. I, of course, thought he was way super cool, and somehow it was arranged that he and another person who worked on the film, I think a wardrobe person who had made friends with my parent, would take me out to a museum and dinner.

I remember meeting him and he was very sweet and charming; even more handsome in person than on the big screen, and my parent had raved about what an absolute darling he was. He was like a little kid...and he seemed very "aw, shucks" and down to earth...kind of like he was more happy to go and eat granola and wear jeans than be a jet-setter. Good for him. However...

An incident happened that day that I will never forget: the man was totally hitting on me and had his had on my ass at least three different times. I remember one time I was pointing at something that was cool in the museum and he had his had on my back, and was like "Oh, wow! That's great!" and when the woman we were with wasn't looking, he moved his hand down to my ass. And let it sit there. He did this like three times, and each time I moved away from him, kind of not sure if what he was doing was what I thought he was doing. He acted like nothing happened and we continued our museum tour.

Now yes, I was a well-developed 15-16; yes, I probably sent out groupie-vibes that I had a crush on him or something; but the bottom line is that I HAD FUCKING BRACES ON MY TEETH and was still very much a kid. And it made me very uncomfortable.

I remember after that night (because we went late to the museum and then to a quick dinner afterwards) I felt really weird about him and when my parent asked if I wanted to hang out with him again, I said no. My parent was in the middle of starting a play and I think they ended up going their separate ways simply because that happens...for I never said anything until years later. It's not like he did anything terrible, so we just laughed about it...but it was enough for me to think VERY differently about him.

Bottom line? Craig Wasson was trying to get some 15-year-old poontang. And she had braces. Dude...there's something seriously wrong with that. At the very least, he was trying to cop a feel, and that in itself makes for a nasty little story.

Oh, I have many more.

Is Prozac A Pre-Requisite For Television Today?

2007-03-05T01:51:00.000-05:00

I was just wondering...if one needs to be medicated before watching most tv nowadays, being able to stomach what is being dished out and considered worth watching.

I just watched two episodes of the Twilight Zone, which, unless you are completely deranged, a fanatical evangelical weirdo, or so pseudo-intellectual that you've talked yourself into a coma, you must know is probably one of the best shows that was ever on tv.
The acting, although often over the top (hey, that's what they did in those days) even at its WORST was still by far leaps and bounds far better and beyond the crap that is being shown on the tube nowadays. Rod Serling was a genius with an imagination that set new boundaries of exploration for what we now call the medium of television and motion picture industry. I saw an episode the other night with Robert Duvall - and the genius you see in Duvall's work throughout his life is evident even then as a young man.

However, if I can guarantee that if Rod were to have just come out of the woodwork now, and was trying to get that show off the ground, it would get stuck only on the Scifi channel, and wouldn't get hardly any ratings; certainly not anything near what these reality shows seem to get on regular network programming.

Yeah - gee, eat a few worms and bungie jump into a lake and that's entertainment. Get fired by Donald and it's primetime. Show some silicon breasts about to burst from a bikini on a barely-legal chick with scuff marks on her knees from one-too-many times at a casting director blowjob party -- and that's emmy material.

But god forbid somebody have some real soul, real plot, real anything...they get the shit end of the stick. Its a system that almost rewards bad actors, bad writing, and retarded plots.

But what do I know...I've just been around the block one too many times.

I've Had It With Shitty Actors

2007-03-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

Seriously...as I sit and watch tv or spend money on movies - or even go to plays, I'm always astounded at the number of shitty, talentless, clueless actors and actresses that parade around the stage and screen like freaks in a circus.

At least at a circus you might get an occasional high wire trapeze act that's interesting, or some hot guy in tights to make it worthwhile. These guys can't act their way out of a paper bag to save their lives.

I'm watching tv right now and it amazing...literally amazing how these people got work.

Then again, I'm at home eating haggen daz with the remote in my hand, not having been on an audition in three weeks, so I suppose I'm the real asshole.

Virginia Madsen: From Left Field

2007-02-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

Not that I'm knocking her, really - I've always thought Virginia Madsen was an interesting actress and enjoyed her work. And let's not forget the fact that her Brother Michael is hotter than sex on a stick.

But I found it really weird/fascinating/interesting that we haven't really heard much from Virginia in a while (yes, she's been on several TV stints and supporting roles, but not starring film roles), and then all of the sudden she has two films opening up within about two weeks of each other: The Number 23 with Jim Carrey, and The Astronaut Farmer with Billy Bob "I love to boink psycho chicks" Thornton.

How did this happen? Who did she sleep with? Of whom did she have incriminating photos or blackmail material?

Or, is it possible that the pendullum is swinging toward giving women over the age of 40 a chance to be prolific film stars...that all of the leading actress roles are not just going to skinny waifs who can't act or to women who have been around for 100 years...that perhaps there is room for actresses who are in that middle ground to be successful?

I hope so. In the meantime, though, I still wonder how in the hell she got two lead roles in these two films...it's like she came out of left field.
I mean, let's face it: she's interesting and has done some good work, but she's not a great actress...and there are a lot of other actors out there that could play those parts. I mean, does anyone really remember anything about her other than her tits in Two Moon Junction?

I told you I was a bitchy actress.